Green’s Dictionary of Slang

haemorrhoids.

1983		A. Payne ‘Get Daley!’ Minder [TV script] 26: Had me varicose veins and me chalfonts done.
1997		Roger’s Profanisaurus in Viz 87 Dec. n.p.: Chalfonts rhym. slang Haemorrhoids. As in: Chalfont St. Giles – piles.
2003		Indep. Rev. 1 Oct. 5: My Chalfonts are playing up something rotten.