Green’s Dictionary of Slang

(a) sexual intercourse, thus women, esp. when viewed as no more than sources of sexual pleasure; thus get a crumpet, of a man, to have sexual intercourse.

1936		J. Curtis Gilt Kid 75: Fancy staying up as late as this and not having no crumpet.
1956		J. Curtis Look Long Upon a Monkey 93: Lumber as much crumpet as he fancied. See their clocks when they lamped the drum.
1965		J. Orton Loot Act I: We’ll go to a smashing brothel I’ve just discovered. Run by a woman [...] Nice line in crumpet she has.
1969		A. Buzo Rooted in 3 Plays 90: ‘And the tarts! Christ, it’s rife up there in the country, mate. Crumpet for the taking’ .
1971		T. Murphy Morning After Optimism in Plays: 3 (1994) Scene v: When I’m chatting up crumpet.
1983		A. Payne ‘Senior Citizen Caine’ Minder [TV script] 56: I reckon my crumpet-pulling days are over.
1986		F. Taylor Auf Wiedersehen Pet Two 146: Wife’s done a runner and some topless crumpet is wrapping its legs round you.
1998		R.G. Barrett Mud Crab Boogie (2013) [ebook] ‘I know your type. You’ve got a girl for every night of the week. Out you go. Lay on the charm. And there it is. All the crumpet you want’.
2000		T. Blacker Kill Your Darlings 87: An hour ago I was up to my oysters in posh crumpet.
2001		A. Sillitoe Birthday 36: Brian was getting plenty of crumpet.
2003		Bug (Aus.) Aug. 🌐 Dead set, the Bash has had more early hot showers than cold crumpet, mostly coming early too.
2012		(con. 1980s) I. Welsh Skagboys 170: Come round tonight for some tea . . . and crumpet?

(b) the vagina; also in pl.

1969		Max Romeo ‘Wet Dream’ 🎵 Give the crumpet to Big Foot Joe, leave the fanny to me.
1986		(con. c.1970) S. Coonts Flight of the Intruder 142: Did you get into her crumpets? Huh?
1986		R.G. Barrett Real Thing 26: Black leather pants [that] fitted her so snugly round the crumpet she must have poked the edges in with the sharpened pencil.
1999		D. Lypchuk ‘A dirty little story’ in eye mag. 8 July 🌐 After he cleaned up the kitchen, he admired her crumpet and had some sugar bowl pie. Then he stuck his bald-headed hermit into her artichoke again.
2000		R.G. Barrett Leaving Bondi (2013) [ebook] Les nodded to Blythe’s crumpet poking out under her pleated dress. ‘That looks good enough to eat’.
2004		J. McCourt ‘Vilja de Tanquay Exults’ in Queer Street 310: I don’t give / A harlot’s crumpet.

(c) (US gay) an anal virgin.

1972

(ref. to mid-1960s) B. Rodgers Queens’ Vernacular 21: anal virgin [...] crumpet (kwn LA, mid ’60s).

(d) men viewed as no more than sources of sexual pleasure.

1993		K. Lette Foetal Attraction (1994) 30: You’re sleeping with Alexander Drake, the Thinking Woman’s Crumpet.
2000		Indep. 21 June 3: I rudely asked whether she would be on the lookout for a bit of crumpet.