Green’s Dictionary of Slang

(a) women, esp. when viewed as no more than sources of sexual pleasure; thus get a crumpet, of a man, to have sexual intercourse.

1936		J. Curtis Gilt Kid 75: Fancy staying up as late as this and not having no crumpet.
1943		M. Harrison Reported Safe Arrival 94: Not a bad-lookin’ bitter crumpet, but as old as Adam.
1959		W. Hall Long and the Short and the Tall Act I: Posh hotel, made up to captain, fourteen day’s leave, smashing bit of crumpet, and the weather’s glorious.
1965		J. Orton Loot Act I: We’ll go to a smashing brothel I’ve just discovered. Run by a woman [...] Nice line in crumpet she has.
1971		T. Murphy Morning After Optimism in Plays: 3 (1994) Scene v: When I’m chatting up crumpet.
1971		(con. WWII) B. Aldiss Soldier Erect 13: Valerie was Nelson’s bit of crumpet.
1979		J. Morrow Confessions of Proinsias O’Toole 49: Where, for instance, is the choice piece of crumpet ‘O’ told me you were bringing?
1983		A. Payne ‘Senior Citizen Caine’ Minder [TV script] 56: I reckon my crumpet-pulling days are over.
1985		R.G. Barrett You Wouldn’t Be Dead for Quids (1989) 140: If there’s a bit of crumpet available you’ll be in that too, eh?
1998		R.G. Barrett Mud Crab Boogie (2013) [ebook] ‘I know your type. You’ve got a girl for every night of the week. Out you go. Lay on the charm. And there it is. All the crumpet you want’.
1999		N. Cohn Yes We Have No 39: I [...] help myself to a bit of A-1 crumpet.
2000		T. Blacker Kill Your Darlings 87: An hour ago I was up to my oysters in posh crumpet.
2003		Bug (Aus.) Aug. 🌐 Dead set, the Bash has had more early hot showers than cold crumpet, mostly coming early too.

(b) (also crump) sexual intercourse.

1958		(con. 1940s) B. Behan Borstal Boy 348: You don’t think they’re ’aving a bit of crumpet still?
1975		‘P.B. Yuill’ Hazell and the Three-card Trick (1977) 148: Bang goes my bit of crumpet for the cruise.
2001		A. Sillitoe Birthday 36: Brian was getting plenty of crumpet.
2006		D. Mitchell Black Swan Green 116: Should’ve sticked around [...] Might’ve seen a bit o’ crump.
2012		(con. 1980s) I. Welsh Skagboys 170: Come round tonight for some tea . . . and crumpet?

(c) (US gay) an anal virgin.

1972

(ref. to mid-1960s) B. Rodgers Queens’ Vernacular 21: anal virgin [...] crumpet (kwn LA, mid ’60s).

(d) the vagina; also in pl.

1969		Max Romeo ‘Wet Dream’ 🎵 Give the crumpet to Big Foot Joe, leave the fanny to me.
1986		(con. c.1970) S. Coonts Flight of the Intruder 142: Did you get into her crumpets? Huh?
1986		R.G. Barrett Real Thing 26: Black leather pants [that] fitted her so snugly round the crumpet she must have poked the edges in with the sharpened pencil.
1999		D. Lypchuk ‘A dirty little story’ in eye mag. 8 July 🌐 After he cleaned up the kitchen, he admired her crumpet and had some sugar bowl pie. Then he stuck his bald-headed hermit into her artichoke again.
2000		R.G. Barrett Leaving Bondi (2013) [ebook] Les nodded to Blythe’s crumpet poking out under her pleated dress. ‘That looks good enough to eat’.
2004		J. McCourt ‘Vilja de Tanquay Exults’ in Queer Street 310: I don’t give / A harlot’s crumpet.

(e) men viewed as no more than sources of sexual pleasure.

1993		K. Lette Foetal Attraction (1994) 30: You’re sleeping with Alexander Drake, the Thinking Woman’s Crumpet.
2000		Indep. 21 June 3: I rudely asked whether she would be on the lookout for a bit of crumpet.