Green’s Dictionary of Slang

to urinate.

1968		G. Slatter Pagan Game (1969) 162: Went to the hooter to shake hands with an old friend.
1986–7		Maledicta IX 194: This article and series devoted to sexual slang would be incomplete without some notice of catch phrases, both British and American: […] shake hands with the baby (urinate) [Ibid.] 195: […] I’ve got to go shake hands with the fellow who stood up with me at my wedding (urinate).
2003		G. Carlin GeorgeCarlin.com 🌐 Urinate: shake a sock / shake hands with an old friend.

to masturbate.

1997–2000

College Sl. Research Project (Cal. State Poly. Uni., Pomona) 🌐 Shakin’ hands with the guv’nah (verb) Masturbating (male).

1. to urinate.

1952		Western Folklore 11-1248: Temporary absence:I gotta go: [...] see a Chinaman about a music lesson, fix the furnace, check on the stew, shake hands with the unemployed.
1963–74		B. Humphries Barry McKenzie [comic strip] in Complete Barry McKenzie (1988) 100: I gotta go and shake hands with the unemployed.
1967		J. Wynnum I’m a Jack, All Right 33: [I] reckoned you’d been let down again by your Japanese bladder and had taken yourself off [...] to shake hands with the unemployed.
1966		J. Sanderson Under Twenty-five 153: Gotta go and shake hands with the unemployed.
1975		E.E. LeMasters Blue-Collar Aristocrats 104: [He] mad this remark when he left the bar to urinate: ‘Well, I’ll go back and shake hands with the unemployed’.
1983		P. Reading 5x5x5x5x5 1v: He’s just sunk six pints [...] and he needs a wee – / calls it ‘Shaking hands / with the Unemployed’.
1999		G. Seal Lingo 88: Bodily functions do not escape the Lingo [...] Urination may be a piss, slash, shake hands with the unemployed, giving the wife’s best friend a shake, pointing percy at the porcelain, and so on.

2. (also shake hands with the bloke who enlisted with me) to masturbate.

1980		Maledicta IV:2 Winter 192: We also come across specialized terms in the male masturbation phrases such as […] shake hands with the bloke who enlisted with one.
1997		Roger’s Profanisaurus in Viz 87 Dec. n.p.: shaking hands with the unemployed euph. A wrestling bout between Hand Solo and the pink Darth Vadar; wanking.
[2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 220: unemployed, the The penis, during period of sexual hibernation].
2012		W. Keyser ‘Ballycast’ at http://www.goodmagic.com 🌐 you can stand there with your hands in your pockets shaking hands with the unemployed, or you can come inside - i dunno why they even have seats in there, because because you’ll be standing straight up.
2016		in Guardian 14 Aug. 🌐 Since my wife left me for the window cleaner I’ve been shaking hands with the unemployed on a regular basis.

1. to masturbate.

1985

B. Humphries Traveller’s Tool 60: The memories could come flooding back […] while you were having a pee or shaking hands with the wife’s best friend.

2. to urinate.

1963–74		B. Humphries Barry McKenzie [comic strip] in Complete Barry McKenzie (1988) 20: I’ve got to shake hands with the wife’s best friend!!!
1970		P. Norman Slip on a Fat Lady 47: Must go and shake hands with the wife's best friend.
1983		R. Aven-Bray Ridgey-Didge Oz Jack Lang 11: Needing to shake hands with his wife’s best friend he adjourned to the Angus Armanasco to splash the boots.
1986		C. Bowles G’DAY 5: When an Australian goes to urinate [...] he most often goes for a piss, a slash, or a leak. He hardly ever shakes hands with the wife’s best friend; syphons the python or points Percy at the porcelain.
1999		G. Seal Lingo 88: Bodily functions do not escape the Lingo [...] Urination may be a piss, slash, shake hands with the unemployed, giving the wife’s best friend a shake, pointing percy at the porcelain, and so on.
2001		Guardian 17 Dec. 56/2: ‘I’m off now to shake hands with the wife’s best friend’.