Green’s Dictionary of Slang

to urinate.

1968		G. Slatter Pagan Game (1969) 162: Went to the hooter to shake hands with an old friend.
1986–7		Maledicta IX 194: This article and series devoted to sexual slang would be incomplete without some notice of catch phrases, both British and American: […] shake hands with the baby (urinate) [Ibid.] 195: […] I’ve got to go shake hands with the fellow who stood up with me at my wedding (urinate).
2003		G. Carlin GeorgeCarlin.com 🌐 Urinate: shake a sock / shake hands with an old friend.

(US) to permit oneself self-congratulation.

1953

‘John Monahan’ [W.R. Burnett] Big Stan 85: ‘He’s baffled,’ cried Byszcynski. ‘A few weeks ago he was drinking whisky all over the place and shaking hands with himself’.

to masturbate.

1997–2000

College Sl. Research Project (Cal. State Poly. Uni., Pomona) 🌐 Shakin’ hands with the guv’nah (verb) Masturbating (male).

1. to urinate.

1952		Western Folklore 11-1248: Temporary absence:I gotta go: [...] see a Chinaman about a music lesson, fix the furnace, check on the stew, shake hands with the unemployed.
1963–74		B. Humphries Barry McKenzie [comic strip] in Complete Barry McKenzie (1988) 100: I gotta go and shake hands with the unemployed.
1967		J. Wynnum I’m a Jack, All Right 33: [I] reckoned you’d been let down again by your Japanese bladder and had taken yourself off [...] to shake hands with the unemployed.
1966		J. Sanderson Under Twenty-five 153: Gotta go and shake hands with the unemployed.
1975		E.E. LeMasters Blue-Collar Aristocrats 104: [He] mad this remark when he left the bar to urinate: ‘Well, I’ll go back and shake hands with the unemployed’.
1983		P. Reading 5x5x5x5x5 1v: He’s just sunk six pints [...] and he needs a wee – / calls it ‘Shaking hands / with the Unemployed’.
1999		G. Seal Lingo 88: Bodily functions do not escape the Lingo [...] Urination may be a piss, slash, shake hands with the unemployed, giving the wife’s best friend a shake, pointing percy at the porcelain, and so on.

2. (also shake hands with the bloke who enlisted with me) to masturbate.

1980		Maledicta IV:2 Winter 192: We also come across specialized terms in the male masturbation phrases such as […] shake hands with the bloke who enlisted with one.
1997		Roger’s Profanisaurus in Viz 87 Dec. n.p.: shaking hands with the unemployed euph. A wrestling bout between Hand Solo and the pink Darth Vadar; wanking.
[2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 220: unemployed, the The penis, during period of sexual hibernation].
2012		W. Keyser ‘Ballycast’ at http://www.goodmagic.com 🌐 you can stand there with your hands in your pockets shaking hands with the unemployed, or you can come inside - i dunno why they even have seats in there, because because you’ll be standing straight up.
2016		in Guardian 14 Aug. 🌐 Since my wife left me for the window cleaner I’ve been shaking hands with the unemployed on a regular basis.

1. to masturbate.

1985

B. Humphries Traveller’s Tool 60: The memories could come flooding back […] while you were having a pee or shaking hands with the wife’s best friend.

2. to urinate.

1963–74		B. Humphries Barry McKenzie [comic strip] in Complete Barry McKenzie (1988) 20: I’ve got to shake hands with the wife’s best friend!!!
1970		P. Norman Slip on a Fat Lady 47: Must go and shake hands with the wife's best friend.
1983		R. Aven-Bray Ridgey-Didge Oz Jack Lang 11: Needing to shake hands with his wife’s best friend he adjourned to the Angus Armanasco to splash the boots.
1986		C. Bowles G’DAY 5: When an Australian goes to urinate [...] he most often goes for a piss, a slash, or a leak. He hardly ever shakes hands with the wife’s best friend; syphons the python or points Percy at the porcelain.
1999		G. Seal Lingo 88: Bodily functions do not escape the Lingo [...] Urination may be a piss, slash, shake hands with the unemployed, giving the wife’s best friend a shake, pointing percy at the porcelain, and so on.
2001		Guardian 17 Dec. 56/2: ‘I’m off now to shake hands with the wife’s best friend’.