wanker, n. — Green’s Dictionary of Slang

wanker n.

[wank v. (1), note late 19C Yorks./Norfolk dial. wanker, a simpleton; Partridge suggests origin in ‘late C.19’ but offers no evidence]

1. a masturbator.

1973		B.S. Johnson All Bull 150: Rise and shine! Let’s have you! I said, get up, you fucking wankers!
1985		‘Thommo’ Dict. Aus. Swearing & Sex Sayings 138: WANKER — One who wanks.
1986		F. Pitt-Kethley Sky Ray Lolly 24: Wankers [...] The slob was on next, pulling at himself.
1999		K. Sampson Powder 367: It was Billie, the wanker, who was holding his hand.
2000		Sun. Times Mag. 6 Feb. 34: I was a donor. Yes, I’m a w***er.

2. (also wank) a general derog. description of a lazy, incompetent, unpleasant person.

1971		J. Mandelkau Buttons 143: I asked them directly, waving an iron bar up and down, if they still thought my prospects were wankers.
1976		P. Theroux Family Arsenal 195: They don’t know nothing, the wankers.
1980		T. McClenaghan Submariners I i: He sounds like a right wanker.
1993		G. Disher Deathdeal [ebook] [The] real estate wankers must have dusted off the dented brass nameplate.
1994		Eble Campus Sl. Apr. 8: wanker – loser, uncool person.
1998		A. Warner Sopranos 268: Fuckin wanker, goes Manda.
1999		N. Cohn Yes We have No 201: A bunch of licensed wankers swapping porky-pies over lunch.
2005		H. Mantel Beyond Black 322: Dionnie and Keith aren’t real and Evan is a wanker.
2005		P. Temple Broken Shore (2007) [ebook] You wankers [...] Looking after the rich, that’s your fucking job, isn’t it?
2009		L. McIlvanney All the Colours 94: A hand [...] making the ‘wanker’ gesture.
2010		K. Richards Life 56: Mr Edgington, the wanker. Religious instruction.
2012		M. McBride Frank Sinatra in a Blender [ebook] If you had the money we wouldn’t be here, ya wanker.
2014		T. Black Artefacts of the Dead [ebook] He’s a banker wanker!
2015		I. Welsh Decent Ride 21: Back then, only ‘wanker’ rivalled it [i.e ‘poof’] as the most common term of abuse.
2016		N. Cummins Adventures of the Honey Badger [ebook] ‘You blokes are wankers’.
2019		S.M. Jones Lives Laid Away [ebook] ‘[Y]ou pathetic wankers are about three seconds away from a bloody fucking lawsuit!’.
2018		I. Welsh Dead Man’s Trousers 20: Been messed around by a couple of wankers, broken a few saps’ hearts.
2020		A. Parks Bobby March Will Live Forever 92: Murray [...] looking like he’s had a bucket of cold water thrown over him. Served the wanker right.
2023		C. Reithauser Mysteries of the Great City 15: ‘Watch where you’re going, wanker!’.

3. (Aus., also wank) a pretentious individual or object.

1973		(con. 1900s) K. Denton Breaker 205: Mark you, he’s fair! Got to be truthful – he’s a wank and an arsehole, but not an unfair man!
1978		J. Barnett Head of the Force (1982) 37: If that collection of intellectual wankers cannot masturbate their egos within the privacy of their own offices when I need space for an operational enquiry, then surely they can use the briefing-rooms.
1978		P. Corris Baltic Business 72: Haven't seen you since that wank at the Institute.
1987		K. Lette Girls’ Night Out 56: You look like a suburban wanker getting round in that clobber.
1990		J. Blackman Aussie Sl. Dict. 107: wanker - A bloke whose stupidity is only exceeded by his over-inflated opinion of himself.
1992		Tracks Oct. 66: Trev has more guts than a Waimea regular, more heart than a dozen politicians, and a love of surfing that makes ASP glory look like a self-indulgent wank.
2010		L. Redhead Thrill City [ebook] She swirled the name around her mouth like a wine-wanker savouring an expensive vintage.
2021		C. Hammer Opal Country 21: [H]e’s brought sunglasses, expensive-looking wrap-arounds. Make him look like a wanker.

4. (US campus) an undesirable situation or thing.

1973		Eble Campus Sl. Nov. 4: wank, wanker – an undesirable person, situation, or thing.
1986		R. Hewitt White Talk Black Talk 183: Give it a bit of a chance. Let the little wanker go away.

5. the penis.

2003

CyberAge.com 🌐 The Big Guy may not speak to him, but he was blessed with another gift: a big fat bottlesize wanker.

6. in attrib. use of sense 2.

2021

P Howard Braywatch 91: ‘If it’s a choice between me and your wanker teammates, I always come off second best’.

7. see wank-pit under wank v.

In compounds

wanker-faced (adj.)

a general derog. description.

1984

A. Sayle Train to Hell 21: What a fucking nob-headed, shit-faced, bollock-brained, turd-shaped, prick-arsed, wanker-faced cunt!

wanker’s cramp (n.)

a supposed illness that afflicts those who masturbate too frequently.

1971

T. Lewis Plender [ebook] ‘What was up with you?’ Dreevo asked. ‘Wankers’ cramp?’.

wanker’s doom (n.) (also wanker’s colic, whanker’s doom)

(orig. RAF) a fig. unpleasant fate.

1950		P. Tempest Lag’s Lex. 229: A man suspected of excessive masturbation is said to be suffering from ‘whanker’s doom.’.
1966		C. Wood Fill the Stage With Happy Hours (1967) Act VI: I’ll die of the wankers colic and it’s very disappointing. I should have stopped at my age.
1971		(con. WWII) B. Aldiss Soldier Erect 80: You’ve got Wanker’s Doom, cock, you have! Don’t care if I do go blind...
1972		K. Bonfiglioli Don’t Point That Thing at Me (1991) 114: Mortdecai Minor, the likeliest candidate for wanker’s doom.

wanker’s spanner (n.)

see wanking spanner under wanking n.

wanker’s waistcoat (n.)

a padded gilet / puffa jacket.

2019		Twitter 10 Oct. 🌐 Fairy resounding victory for the padded gilet being a ‘wanker’s waistcoat’, aka ‘Cummings jerkin’/‘weekend barrister’/‘Fulham life vest’/‘techbro tabard’.
2021		Betoota-isms 92: Wanker’s Waistcoat [...] 1. A North Face puffer vest 2. An overpriced gilet.

wanker’s whist (n.)

masturbation.

1979

J. Morrow Confessions of Proinsias O’Toole 59: If you can dip your wick when all about you / Are punching turds or playing wanker’s whist ...

In phrases

go like a wanker’s elbow (v.)

to be extremely busy.

2004

Curtain Up mag. 🌐 Richard Bean has a good ear for language and his script is full of colourful local expression, ‘the manic depressive who is more up and down than a wanker’s elbow.’.