Green’s Dictionary of Slang

couldn’t... phr.

used in general intensifying phrs. below, suggesting that someone is ineffectual or incompetent (cf. can’t... phr.).

In phrases

couldn’t brush a bee from a bucket

(Aus.) a phr. describing someone who is physically weak.

[Aus]Bulletin (Sydney) 10 Feb. 24/2: Gaffney says Tweedie wanted to square him to ‘throw it’ [...] and though he (Gaffney) pretended to agree, he nevertheless made up his mind to win – a task which, to his way of thinking, was akin to ‘falling off a log,’ for Tweedie couldn’t ‘brush a bee from a bucket.’.
couldn’t catch a cold (if they sat naked all night in an icy pond)

(Aus./N.Z.) a phr. describing someone who is extremely unlucky.

[Aus]Riverina Recorder (Balranald, NSW) 16 Jan. 2/5: They Say [...] That about 5 of the H. H. (cricket) team were perfect wooden men / That they couldn’t catch a cold.
[Aus]Sport (Adelaide) 20 Sept. 5/2: Boney F could not catch a ‘cold,’ let alone a girl .
[NZ] McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl.
couldn’t catch the clap in a Mexican whorehouse

a phr. describing an incompetent.

[US]Simon & Collins ‘Not for Attribution’ Wire ser. 5 ep. 3 [TV script] Who’s going to catch me? Most of the guys round here couldn’t catch the clap in a Mexican whorehouse.
couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag (also ...out of a two-bit shirt, couldn’t bat their way through a wet paper bag, couldn’t punch their way out of a paper bag/sack)

a phr. used to imply that someone is physically weak.

[US]T.A. Dorgan in Zwilling TAD Lex. (1993) 121: You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.
[Aus]Sport (Adelaide) 7 June 12/2: Never mind, Drum, keep out of it. You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.
[Aus]Sport (Adelaide) 1 Jan. 8/1: Could you get out of a paper bag if you were out in one, Pom?
[Aus]Sport (Adelaide) 17 Jan. 7/1: They Say [...] That You couldn’t punch your way out of a paper bag, Alby.
[US]H.C. Witwer Classics in Sl. 73: In the heart-broken state I’m in, I couldn’t punch my way out of a paper bag!
[US]J. Tully Bruiser 105: Silvers couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag.
[Aus]Baker Aus. Lang. 90: Here is a group of examples which fall midway between bush and city idiom and should be included in this section: [...] not to be able to fight one’s way out of a paper bag, to be a weakling.
[UK]W. Eyster Far from the Customary Skies 140: I’m so tard I couldn’t bat my way through a wet paper bag.
[[US]N.Y. Herald Trib. 6 July 13/1–2: ‘He’s a very nice boy — Justin,’ says the director, ‘but he can’t act his way out of a paper bag.’].
[UK]G. Kersh Fowlers End (2001) 282: My first impulse was to tell him that he could not knock the skin off a rice pudding, or fight his way out of a paper bag.
[US](con. 1945) G. Forbes Goodbye to Some (1963) 147: Not a one of you guys could fight your way out of a two-bit shirt.
[Aus]J. Wynnum I’m a Jack, All Right 64: You couldn’t fight your way out of a wet paper bag.
[Aus]D. Ireland Burn 44: Billy, you’re not worth a bumper [...] You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.
[US](con. WWII) T. Sanchez Hollywoodland (1981) 9: I doubt she could punch her way out of a paper bag.
[US]W.J. Caunitz One Police Plaza 78: They’re harmless. Together they couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag.
[US]W.D. Ehrhart Passing Time (1988) 17: Armed to the teeth, and still couldn’t [...] fight their way out of a paper sack.
[US]J. Ciardi Good Words 1209: He couldn’t punch his way out of a paper bag.
[Aus]G. Seal Lingo 45: Anyone who failed to measure up to larrikin notions of pugilistic excellence couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag or was a gutless wonder, both phrases continuing a healthy existence today.
couldn’t get a fuck in a brothel (also …organize a cock-up in a brothel) [fuck n. (1a)]

a phr. used to describe someone who is utterly incompetent.

[Aus](con. 1944) L. Glassop Rats in New Guinea 18: Don’t be deluded by the big build-up. He wouldn’t get a — in a brothel.
[Aus]R.G. Barrett Godson 383: ‘Wouldn’t get a fuck in a brothel with a suitcase full of fifties and a bunch of roses’.
[Aus]G. Seal Lingo 128: One may be simply totally beyond redemption, as in these less than flattering comparisons and descriptions: couldn’t organise a cock-up in a brothel.
couldn’t get a kick in a free fight

(Aus.) a phr. used to describe someone who is utterly incompetent.

[Aus]Williamstown Chron. (Vic.) 30 Mar. 8/4: It is surprising the ‘front’ of some young fellows who submitted themselves for selection in a premiership side. Some of the ‘drongoes’ who pranced around the oval would not get a kick in a free figh.
couldn’t get pussy in a cathouse [play on SE + pussy n. (1) + cat-house n. (1)]

(US black) a phr. used to describe someone who is utterly incompetent.

[US](con. 1940s) Deuce Ofay Productions ‘The Jive Bible’ at JiveOn.com 🌐 Why you always talkin’ to the minks, Willis? you know you just milkin’ a duck! You couldn’t get pussy in a cathouse, man!!
couldn’t hit a bull in the ass

(US/N.Z.) a phr. used of someone clumsy or inept, esp. a poor marksman; often ext. by …with a banjo, ...with a bass fiddle, ...with a handful of peas, ...with a handful of tapioca, ...with a shovel.

[Aus]J. Wynnum I’m a Jack, All Right 98: You coldn’t hit a bull in the arse with a handful of wheat.
N. Bakay ‘Fear and Loathing Index’ at NickBakay.com 24 Oct. 🌐 LOATHE: Brett Boone [baseball player] in the post season. All of a sudden this guy can’t hit a bull in the ass with a banjo.
A. Pepper Curious Origins of The Mendoza Line 🌐 ‘Can’t hit a balloon’ and ‘Can’t hit a bull in the ass with a shovel’ go back to the beginning of the century.
[NZ] McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl.
couldn’t hit one’s can with either hand

to be completely intoxicated.

[US]‘John Eagle’ Hoodlums (2021) 132: ‘[Y]ou were so high the other night, you couldn’t hit your can with either hand’.
couldn’t hit someone in the behind with a red apple

(US black) a phr. used of a conceited or arrogant person, a headstrong person or one who believes they are intellectually superior.

[US]G. Smitherman Black Talk.
couldn’t hit someone with a buggy whip

(US) of a boxer, completely incompetent.

[US]Van Loan ‘The Revenge of Kid Morales’ in Taking the Count 277: ‘He couldn’t hit me with a buggy whip!’ boasted Duffy.
couldn’t hit the ground with his hat (US)

1. a phr. used of a complete incompetent.

[US]St Cloud Democrat (MN) 11 Apr. 2/3: Senator Wigfall [...] has been so drunk for the last three months that ‘he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat’.
[US]Dallas Dly Herald (TX) 28 June 12/1: He was so drunk that he couldn’t have hit the ground with his hat.
[US]Macon Beacon (MS) 27 Feb. 3/2: He was so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.
[US]Salt Lake Trib. (UT) 26 Dec. 7/2: Men and wqomen in all stages of intoxicaion from the talkative ‘dictionary’ to the man who couldn’t hit the ground with three throws of his hat.
[US]Van Loan ‘Mister Conley’ in Score by Innings (2004) 434: You couldn’t hit the ground with your hat!
[US]N.Y. Times 24 May 29: At any rate, the mystery of who actually did the shooting of the villain, a deed that eventually catapults Mr. Stewart into national eminence, is explained. But to a moderately alert observer, it is hardly an enigma since it is strongly stressed that Mr. Stewart couldn’t hit the floor with his hat.

2. a phr. used of someone who is extremely drunk.

[US]P.G. Brewster ‘Folk “Sayings” From Indiana’ in AS XIV:4 263: Of an intoxicated man it is said that he is ‘full as a tick,’ ‘full as a goose,’ ‘drunk as a lord,’ ‘three sheets to the wind,’ or that he ‘couldn’t hit the ground with his hat’.
couldn’t knock a chop off a gridiron

(Aus.) a phr. meaning someone is physically weak and/or ill.

[Aus]Bulletin (Sydney) 17 Dec. 15/4: Strike me pink, I was solid when a member of the push; / In a scrap I was as willing as a lion; / Now I feel that bloomin’ weak and gouty in the legs, / I couldn’t knock a chop off a gridiron. / I’m growin’ old and seedy – I’m broke up like a kite.
couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding (also couldn’t pull the skin off a bread and butter custard)

(Aus./UK) a phr. used in contemptuous dismissal of a weakling, an incompetent or other inadequate.

[UK]J. Curtis There Ain’t No Justice 114: He ain’t got the strenf to knock the skin off of a rice pudding.
[UK]G. Kersh Fowlers End (2001) 282: My first impulse was to tell him that he could not knock the skin off a rice pudding, or fight his way out of a paper bag.
[Aus]Ozwords Oct. 🌐 Bert Bryant is credited with the phrase he couldn’t pull the skin off a bread and butter custard to describe a no-hoper.
[Aus]G. Seal Lingo 197: Closely related to these general terms of negativity are those combinations involving could(n’t) and would(n’t), such as he could talk under wet cement to describe a loquacious person or he couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a handful of wheat, inside with the door closed to indicate incompetence. Someone who couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding is weak or ineffective; one who wouldn’t beat time with a stick is lazy or slow and you wouldn’t feed him or her on corn as they wouldn’t get a kick if they were locked up with a wild horse all night. Anyone who wouldn’t give you a shock if he owned the power-house is mean or stingy and wouldn’t give you the time of day.
[NZ]McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 53: couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding Weak and incompetent.
couldn’t lead a parrot to a biscuit factory

(US) a phr. used to describe someone who is incompetent.

[US]T. Thursday ‘Mr. Mister’ in All-Story Weekly 22 May 🌐 He couldn’t lead a parrot to a biscuit factory. [...] and listen to him tell Director Jimmie Muffoon that he couldn’t direct a rabbit to a cabbage patch.
couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery (also couldn’t manage..., couldn’t run...)

a phr. used of an individual with such minimal competence that even provided with everything necessary to achieve a given aim, that aim remains beyond him or her.

[Aus]A. Buzo Front Room Boys Scene xii: Gibbo? He couldn’t manage a piss-up at a brewery.
C. Hannam Almost an Englishman 174: The git, couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery.
[UK]J. Sullivan ‘As One Door Closes’ Only Fools and Horses [TV script] We’re gonna hold one of them things that Rodney couldn’t organise in a brewery!
[Aus]C. Bowles G’DAY 58: Check it out — coulden organise a piss-up in a brewery. Ace it up son — yer burnin the snags!
[Aus]J. Birmingham Tasmanian Babes Fiasco (1998) 5: Being the Left, they couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.
[UK]Camden New Journal (London) Rev. 20 Mar. II: Boris couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery.
couldn’t organize a rock fight in a quarry

(Aus.) to be wholly incompetent.

[Aus]Betoota-isms 261: Couldn’t Organise a Rock Fight in a Quarry [...] 1. To describe a person incapable of organising a simple task 2. To be useless, incompetent.
couldn’t pick one’s nose (also ...a diamond out of a plug-hole)

(Aus.) of a racecourse gambler, to be unable to select a winner.

[Aus]Sport (Adelaide) 14 June 7/1: They Say [...] That Mac was swanking at the races trying to pick a winner. He could not pick a diamond out of a plug-hole.
[Aus]J. Byrell Lairs, Urgers & Coat-Tuggers 267: I fair dinkum couldn’t pick my nose. I was down a motza.
couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a dead dog’s arse (also couldn’t pull a greased stick from a cow’s arse)

(Aus.) extremely tired or lazy.

[Aus]J. Wynnum I’m a Jack, All Right 75: Gawd [...] You couldn’t pull a greasy skewer out of a dog’s bum. Here, give it to me.
Hell Fire on Urban Dict. 🌐 [cited as written] Ped derived from moped. riden by addidas wearing tossers because they desperatly need to get to the off-liecene so they can stand out side it all night to make fun of people who actually have somewhere to go. They say they can get up to 50mph but most dont have enough pulliung power to pull a greased stick from a cows arse.
The Lady Belle posting 23 May on Topic ‘Bitch!!!’ on ‘Death Defying Group’ at Hostbaord.com 🌐 You couldnt pull a greased stick out of a dead dog’s arse could you? You lazy arsed bitch??
couldn’t pull a moll off a pisspot

(Aus.) a phr. used of a weakling or coward.

[Aus]Bulletin (Sydney) 26 Apr. 45: Shit. The Limp couldn’t pull a moll off a pisspot.
couldn’t push an egg off a fence

(Aus.) a phr. implying weakness and/or incompetence.

[Aus]Bulletin (Sydney) 30 July 24/4: The gentleman of the second part said it was not within the power of the gentleman of the first part to push a consumptive egg off a fence.
couldn’t raffle a chook in a pub (also couldn’t run a chook raffle in a country pub)

(Aus./N.Z.) a phr. used to indicate that the subject is very disorganized and incompetent.

[NZ]McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 238: you couldn’t run a chook raffle in a country pub You are worse than useless.
[UK]Guardian 10 July 3: You couldn’t raffle a chook in a pub.
couldn’t see the road to the dunny if it had red flags on it

(N.Z.) a phr. describing someone who is very stupid or drunk.

[NZ]McGill Dict. of Kiwi Sl. 30/1: couldn’t see the road to the dunny if it had red flags on it said of somebody slow-witted or blind drunk.
[NZ]McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. [as cit. 1988].
couldn’t sell a statue to a pigeon

(N.Z.) a phr. describing someone who is ineffectual.

[NZ]McGill Dict. of Kiwi Sl. 31/1: couldn’t sell a statue to a pigeon derisive remark about an ineffectual person.
[NZ]McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. [as cit. 1988].
couldn’t train a choko vine... [Brasil Sp. chocho, a vigorous climbing plant with gourd-like fruits]

(Aus.) a phr. describing someone who is stupid, incompetent.

[Aus]J. Byrell (con. 1959) Up the Cross 8: ‘That rotten arsehole [...] couldn’t train a choko vine over a country dunny’.
[Aus]J. Byrell Lairs, Urgers & Coat-Tuggers 193: Now, Choko McGruder got given that nickname because it was said of him that, professionally, he couldn’t train a choko vine to grow over a country shithouse.
P.R. Wilkinson Thesaurus of Trad. Eng. Metaphors [ebook] couldn't train a choko vine over a country dunny [...] incompetent.
J. Miller Essential Lingo Dict. 62: Someone who has no brains [...] couldn’t train a choko vine to grow up a dunny wall.
Twitter 9 Apr. 🌐 Criticising the vaccine rollout, after latest setback, federal Opposition leader Anthony Albanese says ‘this government couldn’t run a choko vine up a back fence’.