Green’s Dictionary of Slang

(Aus.) a phr. describing someone who is physically weak.

1900

Bulletin (Sydney) 10 Feb. 24/2: Gaffney says Tweedie wanted to square him to ‘throw it’ [...] and though he (Gaffney) pretended to agree, he nevertheless made up his mind to win – a task which, to his way of thinking, was akin to ‘falling off a log,’ for Tweedie couldn’t ‘brush a bee from a bucket.’.

(Aus./N.Z.) a phr. describing someone who is extremely unlucky.

1895		Riverina Recorder (Balranald, NSW) 16 Jan. 2/5: They Say [...] That about 5 of the H. H. (cricket) team were perfect wooden men / That they couldn’t catch a cold.
1913		Sport (Adelaide) 20 Sept. 5/2: Boney F could not catch a ‘cold,’ let alone a girl .
2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl.

a phr. describing an incompetent.

2008

Simon & Collins ‘Not for Attribution’ Wire ser. 5 ep. 3 [TV script] Who’s going to catch me? Most of the guys round here couldn’t catch the clap in a Mexican whorehouse.

a phr. used to imply that someone is physically weak.

1911		T.A. Dorgan in Zwilling TAD Lex. (1993) 121: You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.
1913		Sport (Adelaide) 7 June 12/2: Never mind, Drum, keep out of it. You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.
1914		Sport (Adelaide) 1 Jan. 8/1: Could you get out of a paper bag if you were out in one, Pom?
1914		Sport (Adelaide) 17 Jan. 7/1: They Say [...] That You couldn’t punch your way out of a paper bag, Alby.
1927		H.C. Witwer Classics in Sl. 73: In the heart-broken state I’m in, I couldn’t punch my way out of a paper bag!
1937		J. Tully Bruiser 105: Silvers couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag.
1945		Baker Aus. Lang. 90: Here is a group of examples which fall midway between bush and city idiom and should be included in this section: [...] not to be able to fight one’s way out of a paper bag, to be a weakling.
1953		W. Eyster Far from the Customary Skies 140: I’m so tard I couldn’t bat my way through a wet paper bag.
[1953		N.Y. Herald Trib. 6 July 13/1–2: ‘He’s a very nice boy — Justin,’ says the director, ‘but he can’t act his way out of a paper bag.’].
1957		G. Kersh Fowlers End (2001) 282: My first impulse was to tell him that he could not knock the skin off a rice pudding, or fight his way out of a paper bag.
1961		(con. 1945) G. Forbes Goodbye to Some (1963) 147: Not a one of you guys could fight your way out of a two-bit shirt.
1967		J. Wynnum I’m a Jack, All Right 64: You couldn’t fight your way out of a wet paper bag.
1974		D. Ireland Burn 44: Billy, you’re not worth a bumper [...] You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.
1978		(con. WWII) T. Sanchez Hollywoodland (1981) 9: I doubt she could punch her way out of a paper bag.
1984		W.J. Caunitz One Police Plaza 78: They’re harmless. Together they couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag.
1986		W.D. Ehrhart Passing Time (1988) 17: Armed to the teeth, and still couldn’t [...] fight their way out of a paper sack.
1987		J. Ciardi Good Words 1209: He couldn’t punch his way out of a paper bag.
1999		G. Seal Lingo 45: Anyone who failed to measure up to larrikin notions of pugilistic excellence couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag or was a gutless wonder, both phrases continuing a healthy existence today.

(N.Z.) a phr. describing someone who is incompetent.

1988		McGill Dict. of Kiwi Sl. 30/1: couldn’t fuck a frog trotting said of a person less than ept.
2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. [as cit. 1988].

a phr. used to describe someone who is utterly incompetent.

1963		(con. 1944) L. Glassop Rats in New Guinea 18: Don’t be deluded by the big build-up. He wouldn’t get a — in a brothel.
1986		R.G. Barrett Godson 383: ‘Wouldn’t get a fuck in a brothel with a suitcase full of fifties and a bunch of roses’.
1999		G. Seal Lingo 128: One may be simply totally beyond redemption, as in these less than flattering comparisons and descriptions: couldn’t organise a cock-up in a brothel.

(Aus.) a phr. used to describe someone who is utterly incompetent.

1940

Williamstown Chron. (Vic.) 30 Mar. 8/4: It is surprising the ‘front’ of some young fellows who submitted themselves for selection in a premiership side. Some of the ‘drongoes’ who pranced around the oval would not get a kick in a free figh.

(US black) a phr. used to describe someone who is utterly incompetent.

1996–2000

(con. 1940s) Deuce Ofay Productions ‘The Jive Bible’ at JiveOn.com 🌐 Why you always talkin’ to the minks, Willis? you know you just milkin’ a duck! You couldn’t get pussy in a cathouse, man!!

(US/N.Z.) a phr. used of someone clumsy or inept, esp. a poor marksman; often ext. by …with a banjo, ...with a bass fiddle, ...with a handful of peas, ...with a handful of tapioca, ...with a shovel.

1967		J. Wynnum I’m a Jack, All Right 98: You coldn’t hit a bull in the arse with a handful of wheat.
2001		N. Bakay ‘Fear and Loathing Index’ at NickBakay.com 24 Oct. 🌐 LOATHE: Brett Boone [baseball player] in the post season. All of a sudden this guy can’t hit a bull in the ass with a banjo.
2003		A. Pepper Curious Origins of The Mendoza Line 🌐 ‘Can’t hit a balloon’ and ‘Can’t hit a bull in the ass with a shovel’ go back to the beginning of the century.
2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl.

to be completely intoxicated.

1953

‘John Eagle’ Hoodlums (2021) 132: ‘[Y]ou were so high the other night, you couldn’t hit your can with either hand’.

(US black) a phr. used of a conceited or arrogant person, a headstrong person or one who believes they are intellectually superior.

1994

G. Smitherman Black Talk.

(US) of a boxer, completely incompetent.

1913–14

Van Loan ‘The Revenge of Kid Morales’ in Taking the Count 277: ‘He couldn’t hit me with a buggy whip!’ boasted Duffy.

1. a phr. used of a complete incompetent.

1861		St Cloud Democrat (MN) 11 Apr. 2/3: Senator Wigfall [...] has been so drunk for the last three months that ‘he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat’.
1876		Dallas Dly Herald (TX) 28 June 12/1: He was so drunk that he couldn’t have hit the ground with his hat.
1897		Macon Beacon (MS) 27 Feb. 3/2: He was so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.
1908		Salt Lake Trib. (UT) 26 Dec. 7/2: Men and wqomen in all stages of intoxicaion from the talkative ‘dictionary’ to the man who couldn’t hit the ground with three throws of his hat.
1919		Van Loan ‘Mister Conley’ in Score by Innings (2004) 434: You couldn’t hit the ground with your hat!
1962		N.Y. Times 24 May 29: At any rate, the mystery of who actually did the shooting of the villain, a deed that eventually catapults Mr. Stewart into national eminence, is explained. But to a moderately alert observer, it is hardly an enigma since it is strongly stressed that Mr. Stewart couldn’t hit the floor with his hat.

2. a phr. used of someone who is extremely drunk.

1939

P.G. Brewster ‘Folk “Sayings” From Indiana’ in AS XIV:4 263: Of an intoxicated man it is said that he is ‘full as a tick,’ ‘full as a goose,’ ‘drunk as a lord,’ ‘three sheets to the wind,’ or that he ‘couldn’t hit the ground with his hat’.

(Aus.) a phr. meaning someone is physically weak and/or ill.

1908

Bulletin (Sydney) 17 Dec. 15/4: Strike me pink, I was solid when a member of the push; / In a scrap I was as willing as a lion; / Now I feel that bloomin’ weak and gouty in the legs, / I couldn’t knock a chop off a gridiron. / I’m growin’ old and seedy – I’m broke up like a kite.

(Aus./UK) a phr. used in contemptuous dismissal of a weakling, an incompetent or other inadequate.

1937		J. Curtis There Ain’t No Justice 114: He ain’t got the strenf to knock the skin off of a rice pudding.
1957		G. Kersh Fowlers End (2001) 282: My first impulse was to tell him that he could not knock the skin off a rice pudding, or fight his way out of a paper bag.
1996		Ozwords Oct. 🌐 Bert Bryant is credited with the phrase he couldn’t pull the skin off a bread and butter custard to describe a no-hoper.
1999		G. Seal Lingo 197: Closely related to these general terms of negativity are those combinations involving could(n’t) and would(n’t), such as he could talk under wet cement to describe a loquacious person or he couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a handful of wheat, inside with the door closed to indicate incompetence. Someone who couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding is weak or ineffective; one who wouldn’t beat time with a stick is lazy or slow and you wouldn’t feed him or her on corn as they wouldn’t get a kick if they were locked up with a wild horse all night. Anyone who wouldn’t give you a shock if he owned the power-house is mean or stingy and wouldn’t give you the time of day.
2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 53: couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding Weak and incompetent.

(US) a phr. used to describe someone who is incompetent.

1920

T. Thursday ‘Mr. Mister’ in All-Story Weekly 22 May 🌐 He couldn’t lead a parrot to a biscuit factory. [...] and listen to him tell Director Jimmie Muffoon that he couldn’t direct a rabbit to a cabbage patch.

a phr. used of an individual with such minimal competence that even provided with everything necessary to achieve a given aim, that aim remains beyond him or her.

1960		A. Buzo Front Room Boys Scene xii: Gibbo? He couldn’t manage a piss-up at a brewery.
1979		C. Hannam Almost an Englishman 174: The git, couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery.
1985		J. Sullivan ‘As One Door Closes’ Only Fools and Horses [TV script] We’re gonna hold one of them things that Rodney couldn’t organise in a brewery!
1986		C. Bowles G’DAY 58: Check it out — coulden organise a piss-up in a brewery. Ace it up son — yer burnin the snags!
1997		J. Birmingham Tasmanian Babes Fiasco (1998) 5: Being the Left, they couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.
2008		Camden New Journal (London) Rev. 20 Mar. II: Boris couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery.
2019		A. Parks February’s Son 256: ‘Sir, we couldn’t—’ ‘Couldn’t what? Organise a fucking piss-up in a brewery?’.

(Aus.) to be wholly incompetent.

2021

Betoota-isms 261: Couldn’t Organise a Rock Fight in a Quarry [...] 1. To describe a person incapable of organising a simple task 2. To be useless, incompetent.

(Aus.) of a racecourse gambler, to be unable to select a winner.

1913		Sport (Adelaide) 14 June 7/1: They Say [...] That Mac was swanking at the races trying to pick a winner. He could not pick a diamond out of a plug-hole.
1996		J. Byrell Lairs, Urgers & Coat-Tuggers 267: I fair dinkum couldn’t pick my nose. I was down a motza.

(N.Z.) a phr. describing someone who is totally incompetent.

2003

McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl.

(Aus.) extremely tired or lazy.

1967		J. Wynnum I’m a Jack, All Right 75: Gawd [...] You couldn’t pull a greasy skewer out of a dog’s bum. Here, give it to me.
1993–2003		Hell Fire on Urban Dict. 🌐 [cited as written] Ped derived from moped. riden by addidas wearing tossers because they desperatly need to get to the off-liecene so they can stand out side it all night to make fun of people who actually have somewhere to go. They say they can get up to 50mph but most dont have enough pulliung power to pull a greased stick from a cows arse.
2001		The Lady Belle posting 23 May on Topic ‘Bitch!!!’ on ‘Death Defying Group’ at Hostbaord.com 🌐 You couldnt pull a greased stick out of a dead dog’s arse could you? You lazy arsed bitch??

(Aus.) a phr. used of a weakling or coward.

1975

Bulletin (Sydney) 26 Apr. 45: Shit. The Limp couldn’t pull a moll off a pisspot.

(Aus.) a phr. implying weakness and/or incompetence.

2006

B. Matthews Intractable [ebook] He fancied himself as a karate-kicking, black-belted Bruce Lee but he couldn’t punch piss through paper unless he had back-up.

(Aus.) a phr. implying weakness and/or incompetence.

1914

Bulletin (Sydney) 30 July 24/4: The gentleman of the second part said it was not within the power of the gentleman of the first part to push a consumptive egg off a fence.

(Aus./N.Z.) a phr. used to indicate that the subject is very disorganized and incompetent.

2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 238: you couldn’t run a chook raffle in a country pub You are worse than useless.
2004		Guardian 10 July 3: You couldn’t raffle a chook in a pub.

(N.Z.) a phr. describing someone who is very stupid or drunk.

1988		McGill Dict. of Kiwi Sl. 30/1: couldn’t see the road to the dunny if it had red flags on it said of somebody slow-witted or blind drunk.
2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. [as cit. 1988].

(N.Z.) a phr. describing someone who is ineffectual.

1988		McGill Dict. of Kiwi Sl. 31/1: couldn’t sell a statue to a pigeon derisive remark about an ineffectual person.
2003		McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. [as cit. 1988].

(Aus.) a phr. describing someone who is stupid, incompetent.

1983		J. Byrell (con. 1959) Up the Cross 8: ‘That rotten arsehole [...] couldn’t train a choko vine over a country dunny’.
1996		J. Byrell Lairs, Urgers & Coat-Tuggers 193: Now, Choko McGruder got given that nickname because it was said of him that, professionally, he couldn’t train a choko vine to grow over a country shithouse.
2003		P.R. Wilkinson Thesaurus of Trad. Eng. Metaphors [ebook] couldn't train a choko vine over a country dunny [...] incompetent.
2015		J. Miller Essential Lingo Dict. 62: Someone who has no brains [...] couldn’t train a choko vine to grow up a dunny wall.
2021		Twitter 9 Apr. 🌐 Criticising the vaccine rollout, after latest setback, federal Opposition leader Anthony Albanese says ‘this government couldn’t run a choko vine up a back fence’.