Green’s Dictionary of Slang

turd n.

[OE tord, ult. presumed Indo-Eur. root *der, tear or split. Orig. use, c.1000, was simply excrement, the additional pej. meaning was added mid-15C. Thus Harman’s Caveat (1567) translates the Und. phrase ‘Gerry gan the Ruffian cly thee’ as ‘A torde in thy mouth, the deuill take thee’ (Gerry, jere n.). As with many similar terms, vulgar rather than actual sl., turd was excluded from polite speech (and dictionaries) by late 18C. It has remained off-limits, although like many of the ‘milder’ obscenities, it has crept gradually into spoken, if not written English, esp. where, like its cognate shit n. (2a), it refers not to excrement, but to a human object of derision or dislike]

1. a piece of excrement; thus dog turd

[UK]Saxon Leechdom II 62: Swines tord [OED].
[UK]Mankind line 132: I haue etun a dyschfull of curdys Ande I haue shetun yowr mowth full of turdys.
[UK]Skelton Magnyfycence line 397: Do away, I say, the devylles torde! [Ibid.] 1163: fol.: A, holde thy peas! I have the tothe ake. cra com.: The tothe ake! Lo, a torde ye have.
[UK]Wife Lapped in Morrelles Skin in Hazlitt Early Popular Poetry IV line 932: Precious horeson, what doest thou thinke / I set not by thee a stinking t---.
[UK]J. Rastell Gentleness and Nobility line 419: Straw for thi councell, torde, a fart! Trowist I wyll gyf up my plow or cart And folow thy folysh appityte and mynde?
[UK]J. Bale Comedye Concernyng Three Lawes (1550) Act II: If he be a kynge hys mace is a marybone, And hys crowne a cow torde.
[UK]J. Heywood Proverbs II Ch. vi: The more we stur a tourde, the wours it will stynke.
[UK]‘Mr. S’ Gammer Gurton’s Needle in Whitworth (1997) I ii: They gave no more heed […] than thou wouldst to a turd.
[Scot]Polwart Invectiues Capitane Allexander Montgomeree and Pollvart in Parkinson Poems (2000) IX line 28: Turdfacit, ay chasit, almaist fyld for an thief, Meslie kyt and thou flyt deill dryt in thy gob.
[UK]‘The Duttons’ Acting Company’ in May & Bryson Verse Libel 279: A vyper in stanche, la part de la Drut / (Spell backwarde this Frenche, and cracke me that Nut).
[UK]Nashe Four Letters Confuted in Works II (1883–4) 222: A very faire Cloake with sleeues, of a graue goose turd greene.
[UK]Marston Dutch Curtezan III iv: Everie mans turd smels well in’s own nose.
[UK]Jonson Bartholomew Fair IV iv: Turd, ha, turd? A noisesome vapour.
[UK]Jonson Gypsies Metamorphosed 32: The better a turd’s as good for a sowe as a pancake.
[UK]J. Clarke Paraemiologia 69: I care so much for it as a goose turd.
[UK]Mennis & Smith ‘Mr. Smith, to Sir John Mennis’ Wit Restor’d (1817) 161: Beleeve me, friend, it is a Burden Worse than a close-stoole with a Turd in.
[UK]Wandring Whore IV 9: You may know her by her Cullinderface, resembling a turd full of cherry-stones [...] and an unsavory stinking breath to boot.
[UK]Rochester ‘The Argument’ Poems on Several Occasions (1680) 36: Babes, at her call fly from the breeding Womb, / With Neighbor Turd, in loathsome Jakes to roame.
[UK]J. Oldham ‘Upon the Author of a Play call’d Sodom’ in Rochester Poems on Several Occasions (1680) 130: Whence nauseous Rhymes by filthy Births proceed, / As Maggots, in some Turd, ingendring breed.
[UK]S. Colvil Whiggs Supplication Pt II 22: The Wine in taste and hue grows meaner, But Turds grow ne’re a whit cleaner.
‘Teague the Irish Soldier’ in Carpenter Verse in English from Tudor & Stuart Eng. (2003) 537: In a Cot daub’d with Cow-turd, I’ll lie me down warm.
[UK]N. Ward ‘The Poet’s Ramble after Riches’ Writings (1704) 2: And Ralph, with hands o’er flaming Cow-turd, / Turns Tales and Stories inside outward.
[UK]N. Ward Hudibras Redivivus II:4 19: Scraping with’s Feet the dirty Boards, / Like Dung-hill Cock o’er Stable Turds.
[UK]R. Neve Merry Companion 168: How far, says he, do’st thou think thou can’st go, before I sell thee a Bargain? [...] says he, So far you may make a shift to carry a T--d in your Mouth, without Chewing it.
[Ire]‘Hesperi-Neso-Graphia’ in A. Carpenter Verse in Eng. in 18C Ireland (1998) 120: This grunting Sow would sooner take , / And eat a T—d than Sugar-Cake.
[UK]Art of Meditating over an House of Office v: The Transformation of a Pudding into a T--d.
Thoughts upon Reading the Lady’s Dressing-Room and the Gentleman’s Study 8: How well he preach the Word of the Lord, Whose Texts are a Shift, stinking Toes, and a T--d.
[UK]‘Jeffrey Broadbottom’ Meditations Upon an House-of-Office 28: If smell of T--d makes Wit to flow, / L--d! what would Eating of it do?
[UK]W. Toldervy Hist. of the Two Orphans I 46: ‘I understand what the words themselves mean, and in that sense I take ’em.’ ‘Take a t--d,’ returned the ’squire, ‘you pretend to know more than all the world besides.’.
[UK]Harris’s List of Covent-Garden Ladies 57: A t--d’s as good for a sow as a pancake.
[UK]Grose Classical Dict. of the Vulgar Tongue n.p.: Medlar [...] of which it is more truly than delicately said, that unless it is rotten as a t—d, it is not worth a f—t.
[UK]Grose Classical Dict. of the Vulgar Tongue (3rd edn) n.p.: There were four t—ds for dinner: stir t—d, hold t—d, tread t—d, and mus-t—d: to wit, a hog’s face, feet and chitterlings, with mustard.
[UK]J. Gillray Apples and the Horse-Turds (cartoon title) 24 Feb.
[UK]Lex. Balatronicum [as cit. 1796].
[Scot]Bugger’s Alphabet in Bold (1979) 43: S is the shithouse all full to the brim [...] And T are the turds that are floating within.
[US]Ely’s Hawk & Buzzard (NY) Sept. 1 n.p.: His hair has turned from a grisly gray colour to that of turkey t—d.
[UK] ‘Peas, Beans, & Cabbages’ Knowing Chaunter 10: For she sit down, on my word, / And soon brought forth a t---, / A yard and three-quarters long.
[UK] ‘The T--d & the Soap Suds’ Nancy Dawson’s Cabinet of Songs 6: He saw in the soap pan the Gentleman’s turd.
[UK]Peeping Tom (London) 18 70/2: Your back? look here, upon my word / ’Tis quite all over dirt and turd.
[UK] ‘Oh! What A Flare-Up’ Rambler’s Flash Songster 34: They looked down the hole, Bill spoke not a word, / ’Till they said, Bill, are you dead, no I’m only inturd.
[UK]Cythera’s Hymnal 64: I dropped a turd in a narrow lane.
[UK]‘Walter’ My Secret Life (1966) I 175: I reflected how a hard turd hurt me sometimes in passing it.
[Scot]Hole in the Elephant’s Bottom in Bold (1979) 111: I simply drop property turds / Through the hole in the elephant’s bottom.
[US]E.E. Cummings Enormous Room (1928) 45: The can excited my curiosity. I lookd over the edge of it. At the bottom reposefully lay a new human t..d.
[US]H. Roth Call It Sleep (1977) 181: She’ll sniff around for a marriage-broker’s bounty. A turd I’ll give her!
[UK]K. Amis letter 15 Oct. in Leader (2000) 98: The place is full of dank green turds.
[US]Kerouac On The Road (1972) 85: There lay something that looked like a little brown turd.
[UK](con. 1940s) D. MacCuish Do Not Go Gentle (1962) 117: Not half-assed clowns. Not civvies with a turd where their brains should be. You read me? You gawky shitheads.
[US]N. Heard Howard Street 32: He’s the slickest thing that ever let out a turd.
[Aus](con. 1940s–60s) Hogbotel & ffuckes ‘Heigh Ho Says Rowley’ in Snatches and Lays 31: S is the shit-can all full to the rim, / T is the turd which is floating therein.
Dean Ween ‘Piss Up a Rope’ 🎵 Now you’re up shits creek with a turd for a paddle / [...] / You can piss up a rope.
[UK]N. Cohn Yes We have No 143: Turds litter the walkways.
Guardian News Online 9 July 🌐 Johnson had referred to attempts to sell the prime minister’s Brexit plan as being akin to ‘polishing a turd’.
[US]J. Ellroy Widespread Panic 20: A giant shit ensured. The factotum [...] wielded a turd-scoop.
[UK]R. Milward Man-Eating Typewriter 6: [T]he latest lovingly-packaged turd.

2. (US) a black person.

[US]P. Beatty White Boy Shuffle 47: Geez, these fucking turds are incredible, there’s a new gang every frigging week.

3. (also turdy-gut) an unappealing person, or object.

[UK]Skelton Bowge of Courte line 311: I wonder sore he is such conceyte Turde quod Hafter.
[UK]Jonson Every Man In his Humour III ii: A whoreson filthy slave, a turd.
[UK]Urquhart (trans.) Gargantua and Pantagruel (1927) I Bk I 103: The bunsellers or cake-makers [...] did injure them most outrageously, calling them [...] turdy-gut, shitten shepherds, and other such like defamatory epithets.
[UK]C. Cotton Scoffer Scoff’d (1765) 223: Basta! no more, you wrangling Turds.
[UK]N. Ward A Frolic to Horn-Fair 11: You Shitten Skull’d Son of a T—d [...] fit for nothing but to be cast into a Goldfinders Ditch.
[UK] ‘A Grasshopper & a Fly’ in Farmer Merry Songs and Ballads (1897) III 212: Your Father might be of high Degree, / But your Mother was but a Turd, a Turd, a Turd.
[UK]G.R. Bacchus Pleasure Bound ‘Ashore’ 104: He spoke of all his relatives / As buggers, shits, and turds.
[US]E.E. Cummings letter 2 July Dupee & Stade Sel. Letters (1972) 27: He’s a tight-fisted [...] turd, about 5 feet high.
[UK]‘J.H. Ross’ Mint (1955) 85: There are three sorts of turd:– mustard [...] custard [...] and your bloody little self.
[US]E. Hemingway letter c.15 Sept. in Baker Sel. Letters (1981) 261: Please Scott forgive me for being such a turd about not writing or acknowledging the check.
[UK]P. Larkin letter 16 Apr. in Thwaite Sel. Letters (1992) 13: Pardon me if I appear to talk like an egotistical turd.
[UK]W. Talsman Gaudy Image (1966) 196: ‘Hey fart, whatever became of your art?’ ‘O, haven’t you heard, turd?’.
[US]H.S. Thompson letter 2 Feb. in Proud Highway (1997) 314: This is a shitty town [...] It is full of vultures and lice and turds.
[Aus](con. 1940s–60s) Hogbotel & ffuckes ‘Poor Little Angeline’ in Snatches and Lays 38: Now the dirty turd should have got the bird.
[US]S. King Stand (1990) 37: ‘That smartass’ [...] ‘He’s a big turd in a little bowl, all right,’ Bob agreed.
[Aus]J. Byrell (con. 1959) Up the Cross 79: ‘Nothin’ like as sorry as you’re gonna be, you little turd’.
[UK]A. Sayle Train to Hell 60: So I thought I’d go along and see the author, the fat turd.
[US]E. Leonard Glitz 105: Teddy waited, parked down the street. Trade this big yellow turd in. He liked that Datsun he had in San Juan.
[Aus]T. Winton Human Torpedo 96: Carn, you little surfie turd, let’s see what yer made of.
[US]T. Jones Pugilist at Rest 3: In addition to being a shitbird, a faggot, a turd, a maggot, and other such standard appellations.
[Aus]J. Byrell Lairs, Urgers & Coat-Tuggers 108: ‘Now come and let me buy you one, you stupid old turd’.
[UK]Observer Rev. 29 Aug. 9: Stuart’s stage persona was that of a shifty, evil little turd.
[Aus]Bug (Aus.) Apr. 🌐 He invented a variation of the traditional ball-and-all tackle and the collective turds at Wests took for ages to spot it.
Skins ser.1 ep.1 [TV script] You’re a lazy turd, Sid.
[UK]in K. Richards Life 169: You will not be writing, you malicious fat turd, for a long fucking time.
[US]Village Voice 11 Apr. 🌐 TV sucks [...] You can still see The Waltons. What a turd.
[US]S. King Finders Keepers (2016) 118: The shrink’s name was Curtis Larsen. The boys called him Curd the Turd.
[Aus]C. Hammer Scrublands [ebook] [W]hat a turd he is for thinking such a thing .
[US]D. Swierczynski California Bear 147: It was difficult to imagine this turd of a human being in uniform.

4. see dog turd

In derivatives

turdish (adj.)

unpleasant, obnoxious.

[UK]A. Huxley Eyeless in Gaza 315: ‘Turds to the core,’ he said. ‘So they can’t think anything but turdish thoughts.’ .
[US]J. Brooks Hat 79: I knew there was something turdish about the man.
[UK]B. James Detective is Dead (1996) 3: Lovable laddies both of them in their turdish, grab-all ways.
turdy (adj.)

covered in excrement, or generally disgusting.

[UK]Timon in Dyce (1842) I iv: gelas.: Bloudy. paed.: Nay, rather, turdy.
[UK]Jonson Volpone II i: These turdy-facy-nasty-paty-lousy-fartical rogues.
[UK]J. Phillips Maronides (1678) VI 62: T’ent your Copper snout / Shall keep the squire Æneas out; / Nor ne’re a Turdy Jack-in-Office.

In compounds

dog turd (n.) (also dog’s turd)

1. canine excrement.

[UK]Nashe Praise of the Red Herring 75: Another drudge of the pudding house [...] sayes I might as well haue writte of a dogges turde.
[UK]Urquhart (trans.) Gargantua and Pantagruel (1927) I Bk I 35: A dog’s turd, for the dainty turret, wherein lies the heart of my sweetheart.
[UK]J. Floyer Essay to Prove Cold Bathing 221: Next is your Nostrum-munger, Dr. Stew-Toad, one that sets up for Miracles and Mystery, and always makes Honey of a Dogs-Turd.
[US]J. Jones From Here to Eternity (1998) 187: There had been the usual Preem dinner menu of canned franks and canned baked beans [...] ‘Ratturds and Dogturds.’.
[US]S. Longstreet Flesh Peddlers (1964) 109: The [...] rock garden was racked neatly with several sun-dried dog-turds.
[US]C. Hiaasen Skin Tight 63: Dull as a dog turd.
[UK]Guardian G2 20 Jan. 14: The site promises to send [...] a box of dog turds to your worst enemy.
[Aus]L. Redhead Rubdown [ebook] Dry white dog turds littered the nature strip.
[UK]M. Rowson Stuff 106: Pairs of plastic tits or plastic dog turds.

2. (also turd) a large cigar [lit. resemblance].

[US] in DARE.
[US]H. Gould Fort Apache, The Bronx 179: Murphy [...] knocked the cigar out of Armando’s mouth. ‘I can’t hear you with that turd in your mouth, Armando.’.
[US](con. 1968) W.E. Merritt Where the Rivers Ran Backward 75: Maybe Ray’ll take that turd [a cigar] he’s been suckin up with him.

3. an obnoxious person or thing; also attrib. [fig. resemblance].

[US]S. King Christine 361: [He] wants to know how come the kid is lying about how much damage Repperton and his dogturd friends [...] did to Cunningham’s Plymouth.
[US](con. 1968) W.E. Merritt Where the Rivers Ran Backward 250: You come across that pasty-faced dog turd, throw me a favor. If your bladder’s empty, spit on him for me.
[US]C. Hiaasen Skin Tight 255: Wong, please get this dog turd out of my sight.
posting at Drowned in Sound 27 June 🌐 It [i.e. a record] is total dog turd and not worth anything.
turdy (adj.)

resembling a piece of excrement.

[Aus]G. Disher Consolation 270: Turdy little dried-out teabags on saucers.
turdball (adj.) [-ball sfx]

lit. a ball of excrement, used as a derog. descriptor.

[US]T. Philbin Under Cover 264: You no-good cocksucker of a scumbag asswipe of a shitface humphead shiteating turdball motherfucker.
turd bender (n.)

(N.Z. prison) a homosexual.

[NZ]D. Looser Boobslang [U. Canterbury D.Phil. thesis] 194/1: turd bender n. a homosexual.
turd blossom (n.)

a general term of abuse .

[UK]Guardian CiF 10 Dec. 🌐 Mark Lilla, whoever that turd blossom is, isn't leading this charge.
turd-breath (n.)

a general term of abuse; lit. one whose breath stinks of excrement.

[UK]J. Fagan Panopticon (2013) 81: ‘What are you wearing, kitty cool?’ ‘I’m naked, Turd-breath,’ I text it back.
turdburger (n.)

(Aus.) a term of abuse.

[Aus]Sydney Morning Herald (Aus.) 6 Jan. n.p.: So here’s a tentative guide to Sydney teenspeak: [...] Turd burger (someone you don’t like).
turd-burglar (n.) (also turd bandit) [shit n. (1) + SE burglar, his predilection for anal intercourse]

1. (orig. Aus.) a homosexual man; thus turd-burgling n. and adj.

[UK]K. Bonfiglioli Don’t Point That Thing at Me (1991) 30: How air oo hoe your hace here, oo hurd-murgling hod?
[Aus]B. Humphries Traveller’s Tool 28: Craig is a far cry from being a latent turd-burglar.
[US]‘Jennifer Blowdryer’ Modern English 51: turd burglar (n): Homosexual.
[UK]F. Taylor Auf Wiedersehen Pet Two 96: I’m talkin’ about comradeship, not turd-burglin’!
[US]J. Stahl Perv (2001) 36: The poor shnook figured if he had some Moms down there maybe the turd-burglars would spare his keister.
[UK]P. Meditzy ‘A Day In The Life Of...’ 29 Apr. 🌐 I’ve considered turning gay but those camp ‘turd burgling’ ‘chutney ferrets’ make me sick.
[NZ]D. Looser Boobslang [U. Canterbury D.Phil. thesis] 194/1: turd burglar n. a homosexual; a homosexual rapist.
I-94Bar 3:11 🌐 Yep, when you hear a poof joke, you might bite your tongue in these politically correct days, but these guys bite their pillows. They’re matress munchers – and proud of it. Turd burglars. Drillers for Vegimite.
[NZ]McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 218: turd bandit [...] Active male homosexual. ANZ.
[UK]D. Mitchell Black Swan Green 91: Better order an ambulance, Turd Burglar.
[US]J. Stahl Bad Sex on Speed 58: That’s what the kid thinks I am. A ball-smelling turd-burglar.

2. attrib. use of sense 1.

[US]J. Ellroy ‘Hot-Prowl Rape-O’ in Destination: Morgue! (2004) 258: Gay Getchellaphobics stormed the hospital [...] He survived this turd-burglar tyranny and hid out at home.
turd cutter (n.)

(US campus) the buttocks; the anus.

[US]Eble Campus Sl. Apr. 10: turd cutter – fanny. Also butt.
A. Schumer ‘Milk Milk Lemonade’ 🎵 Turd cutter / Loaf pitcher / Dookie maker / Fudge machine .
turd fondler (n.)

a self-aggrandising fool, devoid of self-knowledge; a lickspittle.

[US]C. Hiaasen Sick Puppy 172: You’re nothing but a world-class turd fondler who's making up stories in order to shake me down for an extra fifty large.
Urban Dict. 🌐 turd-fondler. The implication that a person indulges in the fondling of fecal matter. A thoroughly despicable person often of dubious legitimacy and sexual ambivalence.
C. Hiaasen Razor Girl 32: He was spotted by a junior turd fondler from William Morris Endeavor named Kane Drucker.
turdkicker (n.)

(US) a yokel, a peasant.

[US]A. Green in Journal of Amer. Folklore 🌐 My personal vocabulary of such catch-names was enriched [...] to include ridge-runner, appleknocker, cherrypicker, and turdkicker.
turd-packer (n.) (also shit-packer, turd-tapper)

(orig. US) a homosexual.

[US]G. Legman ‘Lang. of Homosexuality’ Appendix VII in Henry Sex Variants.
[US]B. Jackson Get Your Ass in the Water (1974) 146: Say, there was asshole shellackers and shitpackers / and freaks who drunk blood from a menstruatin’ womb.
[US]Guild Dict. Homosexual Terms 46: turd packer (n.): A pedicator. (Slang.).
[US]B. Rodgers Queens’ Vernacular 18: the man who fucks in anal intercourse, as opposed to the one who is fucked [...] turd packer (’40s).
[Aus]G. Seal Lingo 115: This hardly exhausts the terms used to describe homosexuals in Lingo, all of which are unrelievedly pejorative and include, but are not restricted to: [...] turd-tapper; turd-packer; doughnut-puncher [...] and fag.
[NZ]McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 218: turd bandit [...] tapper Active male homosexual. ANZ.
turd-poodle (n.)

(US campus) an unappealing and stupid person.

[US]Eble Campus Sl. Oct. 9: turd poodle – nerd: Sometimes Susan can be such a turd poodle.
turd-puncher (n.)

a homosexual; thus punch turds v.

[Ire]J. Morrow Confessions of Proinsias O’Toole 59: If you can dip your wick when all about you / Are punching turds or playing wanker’s whist. [Ibid.] 139: She’d caught on that our Cavan neighbour was something other than the peculiar spoilt priest she’d taken him for – ‘A culchie turd-puncher!’.
[NZ]McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 218: turd bandit/puncher/tapper Active male homosexual. ANZ.
turd-pusher (n.)

(US) a homosexual.

[US]Simon & Burns ‘Get Some’ Generation Kill ep. 1 [TV script] ‘We captured a gay Iraqi.’ ‘Hold that turd-pusher up.’.
turd strangler/strangling

see separate entries.

In phrases

all honey or all turd with them

said of those whose relationship fluctuates violently, they are either the closest of friends or the deepest of enemies.

[UK]J. Phillips Maronides (1678) VI 19: The Ancient Jade [i.e. Venus], all turd, all honey.
[UK]Grose Classical Dict. of the Vulgar Tongue ms. additions n.p.: It is all honey or all T—d with them said of person who are either in the extremities of friendship or enmity either Kissing or Quarrelling.
[UK]Grose Classical Dict. of the Vulgar Tongue (3rd edn).
[UK]Lex. Balatronicum.
[UK]Egan Grose’s Classical Dict. of the Vulgar Tongue.
as popular as a turd in a fruit salad

(Aus.) extremely unpopular.

[Aus]G. Seal Lingo 127: There are [...] subtle gradations in the types of stupidity, thoughtlessness, hopelessness, incapacity and sheer ineptitude that may come in for verbal censure. A person may be: [...] as popular as a turd in the fruit salad.
bugturd (n.)

an insignificant individual.

[US] S. King It (1987) 510: That doesn’t make me feel so good, Mike. In fact it makes me feel sort of like a bugturd.
he would skin a turd

(Can.) said of a particularly mean person.

B. Townsend Hall Happy Event 🌐 I’m surprised she didn’t charge us. She’d skin a turd to save a farthing, that one.
[UK]J. Meades Empty Wigs (t/s) 208: [S]o mean he’d skin a turd for a farthing.
not give someone the steam (off one’s turds) (v.)

see under steam n.

not worth a turd (adj.)

see separate entry.

push a turd uphill (with a toothpick) (v.)

to work, talk etc, unsuccessfully, against the odds.

[NZ]McGill Dict. of Kiwi Sl. 88/2: push shit uphill attempt the impossible. [Ibid.] push a turd uphill with a toothpick army version of preceding.
[NZ]McGill Reed Dict. of N.Z. Sl. 164: push a turd uphill with a toothpick Very hard work. push shit uphill Hard work. It becomes nigh on impossible if add with a pointed stick/a rubber fork. ANZ.
scare bird turds out of (v.)

(orig. US) to terrify.

[US]D. Pendleton Executioner (1973) 37: Scares bird turds outta you handling those little explosives, don’t it?
turd for…, a (also a turd on)

a general phr. of dismissal, i.e. go to hell.

[UK]Rabelais Author’s Prologue (trans.) Gargantua and Pantagruel I 6: So saith a Turlupin or a new start-up grub of my books, but a turd for him.
[UK]Mennis & Smith ‘A Poeticall Poem to Mistresse Bess Sarney’ Wit Restor’d (1817) 219: Thy breath is stronger than a douzen jakes are. A fart for all perfumes, a turd for roses.
[UK]Motteux (trans.) Gargantua and Pantagruel (1927) II Bk IV 264: A turd on it, said the skipper to his preaching passenger, what a fiddle-faddle have we here.
[UK]N. Ward London Spy I 2: A T— d for Descartes and his Philosophy.
turd in the punchbowl (n.)

(US) a general term of abuse; also attrib.

T. Mangan ‘The California Experiment’ at 🌐 Surely you’ve heard the description of something ‘standing out like a turd in a punchbowl.’ [...] You don’t need a degree in art history or architecture to see how silly these houses look, how turd-in-the-punchbowl out of place they are.
J. Doolittle Journal 22 May at 🌐 ‘The Turd in the Punchbowl’ New York Times reporter Chris Hedges was booed from the stage during his commencement speech at Rockford College this week, as most of us probably know.

In exclamations

turd in your teeth! (also fart ..., gere ..., turd in your mouth!)

go to hell! (and stay there).

[UK]J. Heywood Four P.P. in Farmer Dramatic Writings (1905) 59: Then ten of my turds in ten of thy teeth. And ten on thy nose.
[UK]Harman Caveat for Common Cursetours in Viles & Furnivall (1907) 86: Gerry gan, the ruffian clye thee. A torde in thy mouth, the deuyll take thee.
[UK]‘Bashe Libel’ in May & Bryson Verse Libel 84: To tell which turd may please you best: / A childe’s turd or a man’s turd? / The deville’s turd or his dam’s turd? / [...] / Turd in your teeth and there’s an end.
[UK]Nashe Praise of the Red Herring 75: Another drudge of the pudding house [...] sayes I might as well haue writte of a dogges turde (in his teeth surreuerence).
[UK]Beaumont & Fletcher Knight of the Burning Pestle III ii: Now a Churles fart in your teeth sir.
[UK] Jonson Bartholomew Fair I iv: Good Master Hornet, turd i’ your teeth [...] Your father was a ’pothecary, and sold glisters, more than he gave, I wusse: and turd i’ your little wife’s teeth too.
[UK]‘Mary Tattle-well’ Womens sharpe revenge 105: Tom Turd in thy teeth.
Mennis & Smith et al. ‘A Song’ in Wit and Drollery 22: Cupid is blind they say, But yet methinkes he seeth; He struck my heart to day, A Turd in Cupids teeth.
[UK]Antidote Against Melancholy in Ebsworth Choyce Drollery (1876) 153: But to part with my mon[e]y I do not intend / Then a t[ur]d in thy teeth, and an old house end.
[UK]Windsor Drollery 30: [as cit. 1661].
[UK]Pagan Prince 120: They would not so much as vouchsafe him a T--- in his Teeth, but kept themselves husht and quiet.
[US]G. Hunter ‘Androboros’ in Meserve & Reardon Satiric Comedies (1969) 23: You’ll have it a T---, A T--- in your Teeth.
[UK](con. mid-17C) G.A. Sala Strange Adventures of Captain Dangerous 82: ‘Woman yourself!’ cried Moll Drum, in a rage. ‘Woman yourself, and T--- in your teeth.’.